Did You Know You Can Meet Jerks On Internet Dating Sites?

This title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

So, I’ve been dating on and off for a while. The last multi-year, incredibly serious relationship I was in ended four years ago. One could chalk up my perpetually singledom to having gone to art school for college (because yeah, you are totally going to be tons of straight guys there amirite, ladies?), living in New York City (apparently there are way more women than men in those five boroughs, who knew?), or simply this: while I am incredibly prone to complaining about my perpetual just-me-sometimes-lonely status, I am actually incredibly picky and I enjoy seeing what is out there, even though I rarely admit that. I have never understand the idea of “settling” and seeing codependent couples that swear they are each individuals and independent but in reality can barely function without the other has left a weird taste in my mouth about relationships. On the flip side, so many of my friends have found wonderful and caring partners which is really the only reason I continue to date and put up with the possible shenanigans I will encounter.

No one ever really outlines how awkward, ridiculous, and horrifying dating in your twenties can be. No one is going to tell you that the okay looking guy with the chipped tooth that you gave the weird, drunken hand job to will accidentally cum in your hair and never text you back. Sure, you are going to have to  kiss some toads but no one tells you about the weird shit that will happen or the awkward run ins with drunken tattooed and mustachioed dudes who strip down during Mardi Gras and grab your hand with the same hand that just covered up their naked junk. Who will then say “You are cute so you better set your cute alarm when you wake up for work, because you’re….CUTE!” Yeah, thanks guy, I’ll work on that, right after I wash my hand six times. Now, please, get off my stoop.

Despite of all these horrifying situations one could encounter, I decided to give OkCupid a try. I mean, I just moved to a new city, and all of my friends know each other. It would be nice to not date in, near, or around my social circle. Within an hour of starting my OkCupid profile, I got one message, followed by another a few hours later, please note the times. I decided to respond, since it was my first day on OkCupid. What a mistake that was. Btdubs, my response is pink, because OkCupid is gender normative like that.

Dear Random Guy Who is Not on OkCupid Anymore,

No, you don’t get a do-over, because we’ve never met and we don’t know each other. Also, please note the time, you sent your first message to me FIVE HOURS AGO. What did you think I was going to do, respond immediately and ask to meet up right then and there? Because, clearly, since starting an OkCupid account, I must be glued to my laptop, just waiting for a sardonic and embittered boy to take me out so we can make fun of all the “normies” together? Because doesn’t that just sound like the funniest date ever?

Obviously, I did not meet up with this guy, but I should’ve known better than to respond because I got three more messages from this guy where he was trying to convince me to hang out. If internet trolling has taught me anything, it’s not to respond to trolls! Fail, Caroline, Fail. With OkCupid or any online dating site, you are going to meet a myriad of potential suitors (or suitorettes). Some people are just looking to hook up, others are looking for true love, and some people use OkCupid to look for friends. I’ve always had this weird feeling about people that use OkCupid to meet boyfriends and girlfriends, as opposed to random hookups. Why can’t you meet someone in real life, and what is wrong with you that you can’t or haven’t meet anyone? Clearly, this is backward thinking because I, myself, am on OkCupid and there is nothing wrong with me (unless my friends have been lying to me for years). I went on a date with a really nice, shy, passive boy but it felt like more of an awkward hang out session and nothing really came of it. Which is par for the course, some people are so shy that the prospect of approaching a stranger causes major apprehension for them but online dating is one of the few ways for shy people to meet new and interesting people. According to a study I found on the internet, nearly 30% of new couples meet online, so I just need to get over this weirdness I still harbor about online dating.

I meet up with suitor number two from OkCupid a month after creating my account, because I sort of forgot I was on OkCupid. Suitor number two is that dude running around the bar, chatting up all the pretty ladies. He knows he’s attractive and he’ll only ever text you at night because he’s either a vampire or only likes hanging out at night since he’ll usually end up going home with a drunk, semi-attractive girl. And, also, because you know you can only have sex at night, I mean, that’s a rule, right? No one has afternoon or morning sex, nope, not at all. This guy and I texted back and forth for a bit, it was the usually flirty, and super teasing things. We had met up a few times but never went home with each other. Then, in the middle of my first business trip ever, I get this text:

I recognize my sarcasm does not translate well in text messages, I really get that, but is that even English? Did he babblefish a response or something;  all that can’t be autocorrect’s fault. Waking up to this has got to be one of the most hilarious things to ever greet me in the morning. My friends and I still laugh about this text message, especially when we run into this boy at the bar and he buys us drinks, disappears for four hours, and then texts me at 2 am wondering where I went to. Yeah, sex per diem boy, I went fucking home. Without you. Because you are a jerk but thanks for the whiskey.

Like any place, in reality or digital reality, you are going to meet jerks. I thought I’d share these two funny encounters with you, the internet, because why not? I thought they were funnier than the standard messages that go “Lyke u r soOOoOo pretty. WaNnA get dinz soon? i luv sushi (nom nom)!!” OkCupid is a fairly easy target to make fun, after all, it’s called OkCupid and it’s geared towards seemingly hip 20 and 30 somethings. Regardless, I am still on OkCupid and I went out with a really nice guy the other day. Fingers crossed he doesn’t turn into a loser after the fourth or fifth time we hang out. I’m tired of washing weird shit out of my hair.